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| Painting by Vincent Van Gogh, via Wikimedia Commons |
CW: description of a suicide
resemblings
5:27PM
i start to feel emotional
so i think did i take my
meds this morning
numbness as homeostasis or as antithetical
i can’t decide what meaning my body should make of itself
200? - 20??
he does things to my body that i don’t often give a name
i am unable to give him a name here, either
12-18
𖡎 texts me ☏i just
realized i never replied to your message ahh i was just not in a
headspace to reply and was
like i’ll text them tomorrow; then tomorrow passed far
too
many times☏
winter
we are trying not to drift apart
—which is sadder than if it were simply happening—
back then
tomorrow passed far too many
times
the taste of my tears on the cold tiles the kitchen floor where he threw me
18XX
my greatgreatgreatgreat/??grandfather slits his own throat with
a knife
the death certificate — :::melancholia—
some day
there are glittering flowers in warm breezes
there is softness, or a gentle kind of remembering
march2018
i stop hormone replacement therapy because
i start to resemble my father among
other reasons
tomorrow(/s)
i tell myself it is important to have these
i collect them with my eyes closed
i pick them like glittery flowers and put them somewhere safe to
dry—
when the dust settles
when i become something altogether different
entirely
when my grandfather’s father dies overseas
in bloodshed unrequited
when that becomes the ancestral path
when i am the ghost consuming itself
the machination of melancholia
presently manifest
a new form of bloodshed
?iguessihaveleftalreadyorwillsometimeorrrr ?
my hands are cold so i drive a little faster
it never makes me warmer
just more like i am a real thing in a real body
where the breathing is in perpetual motion
so i can give myself new names at the cusp of immortality
on the brink of other worlds
train tracks
that's the thing about families and funerals
churches of strangers and the like
we're driving home and i look at you and i say
look at how bright the moon is and look at
how much i love you and we both laugh
because it is silly and also because it is true
the stars are bright above this home
i think about the funerals i have been to
the ones i won't go to
but we're driving home and there is a bright moon
about the religion i grew up in and the one you didn't
we lived in a little apartment in buffalo new york
the snow moved by the lake effect from toronto to us
about the people who have died and how we quantify their stories
in the quilt the shoes the lists
about how it will always bother me when people call new york
city
new york like
there isn't a whole state above the island of manhattan
or that it wasn't upstate
it was western new york
when we go to the grocery store i push the cart most of the time
you carry the bags
is there a different train station we can kiss at
i want to crush a penny
i want to feel more alive each day than the day before
about my bodies disagreement
within the procedural generation
without the catacombs
where are we going to put all of these bodies
where will i kiss you with the pennies if there are no more
train stations
or goldfish or fairy lights
i am remembering that there are unopened handcreams and
thank you cards
about the first time my father called me bitch and my
mother said nothing
about when i learned to surround myself with toys as guardians
here is the thing to remember about me
if nothing else i am earnest and oriented towards a future
where the snow in buffalo is not lethal
or maybe my trauma doesn't define me so much
about the plastic water bottles or my radioactive ancestral
homes
your favourite animal is an opossum mine is a beluga whale
they will never swim together i will see to it but i will
be grateful for the opportunity to accept this award
cohesion, coherence, cogent, continuity, etc. etc. etc.
look what do you want me to say?
i can tell you my secrets or we can just get through this
together
are you listening?
are you listening?
are you????????????????????????????????????????????????????
chronology is boring why not just eat spider webs and then
remember every bad and good thing that has ever happened
look the moon is so bright tonight that's all that really
matters
she is breathing into my lungs for me
about listening to breathing lungs of moons and pennies
ugly
i could always take more lexapro
you kept your secret vhs stash at my house
growing up because you weren’t allowed
to watch things deemed sinful which is
funny because my house was not any
better really but at least we had the trees
we would tie your dog angel’s leash to our scooter and
have her pull us around your cul-de-sac which is an
annoying word it’s ugly also cul-de-sacs are often ugly
but you also had the trees at least we had them loving
it has been a long time and i am still wondering
what i could possibly take to settle the grime to
unleash the memories like balloons or lanterns
into a sky that will do a much better job of
caressing them it was never my intention to
keep these things forever but they are lining
my nerve endings the myelin sheath of trauma
something i never wanted to be responsible
for i could always take more lexapro or keep
listening to the white noise gratitude
sounds or promise myself anoth
day another day another
day that’s all anot
day another
day ano
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