8/7/17

Poem | Arjun Rajendran

Artwork by Amir Ibrahim Mohed Nour
Source : https://www.archives.gov/

[The purpose of this polygraph test is to gather evidence with extreme prejudice and succeed in obtaining authorization to strap subject to gurney]

   
          
1. Can the first level of Half-Life 2 be completed in 9 minutes and 33 seconds
               
in normal difficulty, without using God Mode or any cheat codes?
              
                
Yes
   
         
2. Have you, through any hallucinogens or yogic techniques, been resisting
              
the indoctrination  mechanisms of your local Credit Union, Whole Foods outlet
              
or YMCA?
             
              
No

         
3. Am I a homosapien?
             
              No

          
4. Have you tried arsoning 1099s or W2 tax statements with Navratna oil?
           
             
No
  
         
5. Do you record ducks in compromising positions?
            
              Yes

         
6. Did you encounter, or intend to, with the help of a telescope, binoculars
            
or any DYI instrument, formations of UFOs vaguely resembling the Indian
            
sweet meat,the roshogolla? 
            
             No

     
    7. Did you ever dream of the ladybirds released at Auroras funeral?
            
              Yes


          
8. Have you ever struck a probationary officer, or made distasteful jokes about
             
doctors with acne?
            
           
Yes
        
           9. Have you ever struck a probationary officer, and made distasteful jokes about
              
doctors with acne?
           
               No

        
10. Have you ever tried bribing a law enforcement official with a packet of Uncle Chips?
            
               No
       
      
11. Do you consort with double murderers whenever your spouse loses her
            
babyoh sorry, car keys?
           
             
No
  
      
12. Has your craving for phallic meat corrupted your soul and brought you closer
             
to homosexual tendencies?
           
              
Yes

  
      
13. Did J ever let it enter her heart?
          
.

          
.

          
.

   
14. Did J ever let the devil into her heart?
          
Once No! No!

   15. Will your inevitable trading of places with Raghunandan Yandamuri, for your
         
more heinous crimes pertaining to tea, bad house keeping and frequenting establishments
         
of ill repute, diminish your faith in humanity?
        
        
Yes
 

 16. Would you be disappointed if the lethal drugs entered your veins in Pennsylvania instead
       
of Bombay?

        
Yes


17. Did you ever steal an apple?

       
No

18. Have you ever spoken to an abductee?

      
No

19. Am I an abductor?

     
Yes

20. Was the brick before you your instrument of  zoosadismspecifically, to smash a
     
perfectly healthy and iridescent chameleons head when youd just entered puberty?

      No


21. Did you shower with a Ceylonese maid when you were nine?



     
Yes

22. Was it necromancy, your usage of a toy camera with a meniscus lens, allowing for light leaks, double exposures, and consequently half-truths, to image several Egyptian cats, but never
the opossum always crossing the telephone wire close to midnight so as to invoke a sublime
and perennial hex over the Diwali lamps your spouse installed atop brick walls?   

    
Yes


23. Has your Ma ever been visited by surgical masks, or used a mantra with as much dexterity as applying Odomos to expunge these anomalies?

     
No

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